


The Perils of Pranking Tony Stark

by art_deco_deity



Series: Why Pranks Are Banned In The Stark Household [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Humor, I don't make the rules I just follow them, Maybe - Freeform, Other, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Revenge, Tony Stark Has A Heart, this is endgame recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-08 02:12:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19097653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/art_deco_deity/pseuds/art_deco_deity
Summary: Peter Parker is a boy made up of many mistakes and even more missteps; but the worst he ever messed up was probably when he decided to prank Tony Stark. The man doesn't go easy on revenge, and Peter will certainly end up paying the price for his fun.





	1. Property Damage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony goes domestic and Peter only fears one god; the man currently embroidering an insult into his spider-suit.

Peter Parker is a dork.

It's a simple fact that Peter has fully come to terms with, and even blissfully accept in his daily life. Peter knows that at some point during the day he will end up sticking his foot in his mouth or lying face-first on the floor after a fall. It's a natural series of events; one that's as sure as the sun rising in the east and as certain as it setting in the west.

But Spider-Man?

Spider-Man is _cool_. He's cooler than all the sports cars, rolexes, and mansions of the world combined. Spider-Man is exactly who Peter wishes he could be all the time. The superhero is cool, calm, collected, and generally stays upright when walking somewhere. Spider-Man is funny, throwing out the quips Peter usually keeps locked away in his head, and the hero keeps it short too. Spider-Man does _not_ vomit words all over whoever will listen; not like the way Peter Parker does. 

Peter thinks that Spider-Man is the bad-boy to his girl-next-door. Which he then immediately realizes is a _terrible_ comparison because they're not even really the same thing and most movies have those two falling in love— and Peter is not in love with himself, he knows that for certain. But the poor comparison is not really what is important right now; what is important is how Tony Stark is currently stripping all of what made Spider-Man suave and leaving only the parts that should've been left behind with Peter's old onesie.

"Mr. Stark that is _not_ necessary." Peter whines, throwing himself onto one of the lab couches.

"No, actually, I think it is perfectly necessary. I honestly think it might even be vital." Tony looks up from where he is leaning over the Spidey-Suit as he addresses Peter. He smirks evilly. "I mean, what happens if you get lost Petey-pie? How else is the animal shelter going to know where to return you to?"

"They'll know because I'm a grown man who knows where he lives and can verbally tell people." Peter replies indignantly, completely ignoring the animal shelter aspect of Tony's comment.

"Spiderling."

"Huh?"

"Spiderling. You're a spiderling. Grown isn't even a word you can put next to your name. It's like an oxymoron my dear Spider-baby; you just sound ridiculous. And you can throw out the word 'man' for that reason too."

Peter just rolls his eyes so far into the back of his head that he swears he can see his own brain-stem. Tony isn't even looking at him, but somehow knows because he _always_ knows, and only chuckles fondly at Peter's dramatics.

Tony Stark is not a domestic man; Peter knows this just as surely as he knows his own dorkiness. No, Tony Stark is not soft. He is not gentle or quiet; instead the man exudes bitter coldness and overwhelming confidence with every lifted brow and biting quip. Tony Stark, the genius, the playboy, and the philanthropist, is an industrial beast of a man who's veins bled smoldering metal long before he engineered the suit to cover his skin.

Tony Stark is not domestic; and that's why the sight of him, hunched over an embroidery machine, brows tucked in total concentration, nearly sends Peter into another fit of hysterics.

The machine itself was about an hour old -because of _course_ Tony would build his own- and seemed to be working overtime as the man swiftly slid the fabric of the suit through it. The sharp staccato of the machine piercing the suit beat against Peter's skull with an alarming intensity as he imagined the damage currently being done to his beautiful suit.

What if Tony really embroidered 'Spider-baby' on the suit? How would Peter ever be able to face a villain in the future? The bad guys would laugh at him! They would tease him as if Peter's super-strength couldn't end them in less than a second. Spidey had a reputation to uphold! That respect would be gone in an instant if the alter-ego really had to pay the price for Peter's prank.

Peter sits up on the couch, climbing up onto the back in an effort to see over Tony's shoulder. "Mr. Stark, c'mon, lemme see! At least let me see what you're killing me with."

"No can do, Spideroo- oh, wow, that's a new one. I'm definitely saving that for later." Tony replies gleefully, hunching over the machine even more so Peter has zero shot at seeing his handiwork. "You'll have to wait. But don't worry, this is good; and that's an Iron-Man promise."

"I don't want an Iron-Man promise. I want an Iron-Man arrest for all the property damage you're doing right now."

"Property damage on my own suit? Ok sure, try and take that one to court. Let me know when you find someone who will prosecute me." Tony quips, pulling the suit away from the embroidery machine and flipping the off switch.

The machine groans forebodingly as it turns off, and Peter thinks it might be a mechanical apology for all the embarrassment he'll have to endure from this point forward; but, as previously established, Peter is a dork so it's probably just wishful thinking and who really knows.

"Pete, get to it and close those eyeball shutters. I want this to be like a fun birthday surprise." Tony says as he folds the suit over itself so Peter can't see the new addition.

"Mr. Stark, it's 4:30 in the morning, I'm stuck down here with you, and you just ruined my suit." Peter huffs, but closes his eyes nonetheless. "This is hardly fun, and my birthday isn't for 3 more months."

"Well then, I guess it's an early birthday present because I don't know if I can ever outdo myself after this. You'll be really disappointed when I can't give you anything better than this beauty for your actual big day."

Peter's eyes are still closed but he can feel the soft fabric of the suit as it meets his hands. The suit still carries it's familiar pristine craftsmanship as Peter opens his eyes, and the boy begins flipping the suit and fiddling with the fabric in an attempt to find what Tony had just embroidered. Tony struggles to keep his laughter in as Peter continues his search fruitlessly.

"Mr. Stark. There's nothing here." Peter huffs in annoyance. "Did you really build a custom embroidery machine, and fake embroider things just to mess with me? Because if so that is so dumb and I thought that a genius like you would be capable of so much more and this is even more stupid then my prank in the first place -which, is still funny by the wa-"

"Right foot."

"What?"

"The right foot. Look at the right foot, Petey." Tony points out, breath catching as he hides his laughter behind a closed fist.

Peter's hands fumble over the fabric as a tangible sense of foreboding settles in his stomach. What could his mentor have possibly written into the foot? Peter eventually traces the right leg all the way down to the right foot, manipulating the fabric to look at the underside.

_Spider-BabyTM - Made in Queens. If lost, please return to Tony Stark._

Peter very nearly astral-projects as he looks at the huge and excessively gaudy red-and-gold lettering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so,, i got a few comments on my other story about writing a follow up where tony basically ends peter's life and it sounded fun to write, so this is the first part of that story!!!


	2. Boys Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony Stark decides to invest more time into perfecting the art of embroidery, and -in a move that is completely uncharacteristic- also decides to starve Peter Parker.

"C'mon, May, don't leave. Do me a favor. Please. Just this once." Peter pleads, grasping onto his aunt's wrist as she tries to leave.

"I do you favors all the time, baby." May laughs as she tries to pry Peter's desperate fingers off of her. "Now, let go, Harold is waiting for me."

"Ugh, so gross." Peter makes an undignified gagging sound. "You're going to ditch me, your favorite nephew who is incredibly pleasant, for Happy? Have you even met Happy?"

"Yes. He's a very sweet man, but he won't be so sweet to you if you keep holding me up like this." May walks toward the elevator with Peter in tow. "Now be good, and behave Peter Parker. I'll see you in three days."

The elevator door slides open and May steps inside. Peter sticks his hand in the door to stop it from closing and can't find it within himself to resist the urge to whine at his aunt. "Why can't I just stay at the apartment, I don't need to stay here! I'm a teenager! I'm responsible!"

"You're staying here because the last time I left you home alone you spent the entire weekend out spider-manning, and I came back to a house full of stray cats."

"They were out on the street! It was cold! They needed a new home May!"

"Well, you'll be the one needing a new home if you trap me in this elevator any longer." May steps forward, pulling her nephew in for a hug. "Now, be good for Tony, and I'll see you on Wednesday. I larb you."

"I larb you too." Peter mutters against her shoulder.

Peter backs out of the hug and the elevator, watching the doors slide closed on his aunt. The metal shifts over May's smiling face, and her departure feels to Peter like the signing of his own death warrant.

Peter supposes he's being dramatic, but Tony kept good on the embroidery threat so maybe the fear is justified. After all, tomorrow is monday and someone is going to have to drop Peter off at Midtown. And knowing his mentor the way he does, Peter knows the man will jump at the chance and absolutely bask in the revenge he'll get tomorrow. The teenager can already imagine the pure joy on his mentor's face when Tony is screaming his exaggerated love for him out of the sun-roof of his tesla. It makes the boy's cheeks flush with bright red embarrassment just thinking about it.

Peter hears the soft clicking of heels against wood, breaking him out of his desolate reverie. Pepper's heels on the floor sound like a holy angel choir singing him out of his own personal hell. 

"Pepper!" Peter breaks into a run towards her, picking up speed as he nears. Suddenly Peter is all of two inches in front of Pepper's face and skidding haphazardly to a stop in front of the woman. His socked feet slide on the wood floor -because of course they do- and Peter throws his arms out to try and stabilize his quickly toppling body. 

"Peter!" Pepper exclaims, grabbing his elbow and righting him so Peter doesn't end ass-up on the wood floor. 

As established earlier, falling is a very common occurrence for Peter Parker. He is a dork and that's just what happens to people of his nature. 

"I need you to take me to school tomorrow." Peter spits his words out in typical vomiting fashion, the syllables coming out more desperate shouting and less actual inquiry. 

"I thought Ton-"

"Please don't let him drop me off." Peter pleads, following Pepper as she walks into the kitchen and sets down her bag on the counter. "He's still getting revenge for the spider prank and he'll embarrass me so much if he drops me off tomorrow and I'm not ready for that on a mon- well actually I'm not ready for that on any day but still, I cannot handle Mr. Stark tomorrow morning. So can you please drop me off?"

Pepper smiles at Peter, lips drawing up fondly and eyes crinkling with mirth. "I think you might deserve the embarrassment, Peter. Tony is still recovering; he checks the ceiling in every room he's in now and is still accusing me of scheming whenever I'm nice to him." 

"See, that's exactly my point! Mr. Stark is going to take it way too far tomorrow morning and embarrass me really badly just like he promised and then I'll never be able to show my face again and I'll have to leave school and go live on the streets and then I'll be homeless -Wait, Pepper, Spider-Man can't be homeless!" 

"Take a breath, sweetie. It'll be fine. What's the worst he can do? Say that he loves you really loudly?" Pepper chuckles, walking over to the pantry with Peter still following behind. "He's done way worse to me, and I'm still here. You'll be fine; probably a little mortified, but mostly fine."

"Telling me I'm going to be mostly fine is not exactly reassuring, Ms. Potts." 

"Pepper." The woman corrects, handing Peter the ingredients for dinner as she digs around in the pantry. 

"Sorry, habit." Peter justifies, taking the box of pasta Pepper hands him and putting it on the counter.

"Really, Underoos? You'll apologize and call her Pepper but you won't call me anything other than Mr. Stark?" Tony raises the pitch of his voice, mocking the teenager as he walks into the room. "I've been telling you to call me Tony for years now." 

"I'll call you Tony when you start using my real name." 

"What real name?"

"Peter. Not underoos, or kid, or kiddo, or spider-baby." The physical shiver Peter undergoes at the mention of that nickname brings an evil smile to Tony's face. "My name is Peter. Just Peter."

"Well in that case," Tony's smirk grows wider, a convincing manic gleam beginning to catch in his eyes. "Hi Just Peter, I'm Tony Stark."

Silence. Pure silence as Peter contemplates exactly what mistakes he has made up to that point that led to the absolute auditory trash Tony just spewed. 

"You are -and I cannot stress this enough Mr. Stark- probably the most un-cool person on the planet, and that includes myself." Peter scoffs. "You really just made me listen to that with my own two ears? God, what was that, a dad joke? You're a genius! How can you sleep at night knowing that garbage just came out of your mouth? I'm embarrassed for you."

"Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, kiddo." Tony only laughs, walking past Peter and bumping his shoulder before moving to wash his hands at the sink. 

"What does that even mean?"

"It means that you shouldn't have stuck yourself to my ceiling and not expect a little push-back." Tony breaks away from the sink, standing beside Peter and placing a soaking-wet hand on his shoulder. "But don't stress my little spiderling, I'm not going to do anything tonight. Tomorrow morning is really what you should be worried about. We'll leave for Midtown at 7:15; isn't that right Petey-Pie?" 

Tony smirk widens, watching the horror overtake his mentee's face. The kid is practically white in the face of Tony's threat before going bright red as the man takes his hand off of Peter's shoulder and flicks the excess water at Peter's face. 

"What the hell, Mr. Stark, how old are you?" Peter recoils, wiping the water from his face with a soft sleeve. 

"I'm very old; at least that's what Pep tells me."

"Are you sure you're not actually five?"

"No. I'm not five. If I was five then we'd be the same age and that'd really defeat the purpose of the whole mentor-mentee thing we've got rolling here." 

Peter groans in response, flinging an elbow out to try to catch Tony's side. "Mr. Star-"

"Not that I don't love your cute father-son bickering," Pepper interrupts, barely restraining a chuckle as she watches both Tony and Peter nearly choke on their own spit at her insinuation. "But if you stay here and annoy me any longer this pasta is going to taste like rat poisoning."

"Ok, ok. No need to get crazy, we get it." Peter immediately apologizes, throwing his hands up in surrender and turning around to leave the kitchen. He grabs Tony's elbow, tugging on it to drag the older man with him. "I'm very sorry Mr. Stark annoyed you, he'll be leaving now, Pepper." Peter throws a look at his mentor as he addresses Pepper. 

"You little shit!" Tony admonishes, reaching an arm over Peter to trap him in a headlock as they both tumble their way into the adjoining living room. 

"Tony, dinner will be ready in half an hour. Please wait on killing Peter until after dessert!" Pepper shouts after them, counting about all of 2 seconds before she can hear the familiar bickering from the living room couch. She lets her lips curl up into the fond smile she had been holding back while they could still see her, before going back to stirring the noodles into the boiling water. 

By the time Pepper is serving the freshly cooked pasta into bowls and drizzling homemade sauce on the top, Peter and Tony come barreling into the kitchen, freshly caked in grease and other assorted grimes. 

"What am I even looking at?" Pepper exclaims, gesturing wildly with the sauce-covered spoon. "I give you all of-" She turns to glance at the oven clock, her eyebrows raising even further. "27 minutes to run free, and you come back looking like undomesticated grease monkeys? What could you have possibly done in 27 minutes?"

"It's nothing to worry about Pep, we were just in the lab." Tony shrugs, as him and Peter walk over to the sink. "It's just boys time, isn't that right Pete?"

"Yep. Boys time." Peter nods solemnly. 

"And, anyways, time passes differently when it's boys time." Tony justified. "27 minutes is like 3 hours in boys time. Right, kid?"

"He's right. It's boys time, Pepper. That's just the way it works; we don't get to make the rules, we just follow them."

Pepper looks between the both of them, feeling like she stumbled into an alternate reality where her fiancé and his (not) son really were the crackheads they acted like. "So, I'm not even going to try and unpack whatever that was, but just wash up and bring your bowls to the table. I'd like a nice dinner without grease, please."

Tony and Peter take their usual spots next to each other, and Pepper is sat at the head of the table. She glances up from her food, watching her fiancé steal Peter's fork and Pepper is suddenly wishing she had sat between her children and split them up. 

"Mr. Stark, you're the one always going on about how skinny I am and my stupid spider metabolism." Peter huffs, grabbing at the fork Tony had just taken. "Just give me my fork back. Why are you trying to starve me?"

"You know what you have to do, underoos." 

"I'm not doing that."

"Then I guess you're not getting a fork. Funny how the world works isn't it." Tony remarks, waving Peter's fork lazily back and forth just out of the teenager's reach. 

"Fine. Be that way, Mr. Stark. I'll just get another one from the drawer."

"Lesson one, kid: never give away your game-plan. Have I taught you nothing?" Tony quips, looking to the ceiling. "FRIDAY, lock drawers."

"Your drawers have locks? Are you kidding me?" Peter lets out a strangled scream as he pulls on the locked silver-ware drawer. "Why would you need that? Why would you ever need that, Mr. Stark? That's so dumb. How is that practical? Did you really spend hours re-working FRIDAY's code just so you can lock your forks away from any room in the house? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." 

Pepper's guilty snickering revealed the truth to Peter; it was like being stabbed in the back by an angel. 

"Did you help with this Pepper? Is that why you made dinner?" Peter interrogates, sitting next to Pepper once again. "God, you never make dinner! How did I not see this?" 

Pepper's laugh only evolves from a restrained chuckle to full on cackling at Peter's plight. 

"You really made dinner, full-on pasta dinner, just to trick me into using your silverware?" Peter exclaims, once against lunging forward to grab the fork Tony still held in his hands. "You cooked dinner just so Mr. Stark could program FRIDAY and lock the drawers on me? Don't you guys have jobs? Is that what you spend your time doing all day? Is Stark Industries even real?" Tony's wide grin only certified Peter's claims and the boy wanted to jump out a window and scream at the same time. "You guys are the worst. I'm never letting you get married."

"You know what you have to, underoos." Tony repeats, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a piece of embroidered fabric. 

"I told you. I'm not doing that."

"Don't you want to eat, Spider-baby?" Tony stirs his pasta, leaning towards the bowl and wafting the steam coming off with Peter's fork. "It smells really good. It'd probably be very nutritious and delicious for growing arachnids!" 

"I hate you."

"Love you too, buddy. Now, come on, bib up." Tony tosses the cloth at Peter, watching as Peter unfolds it. 

Peter looks at the fabric, shakes with a tangible sense of revulsion, and flips the bib around. "Really? Spider-baby's first bib. You couldn't come up with something more original. Remember when you defaced my beautiful suit? You already made that joke, Mr. Stark."

"Why make a new joke when the old one obviously still bothers you?" Tony asks, turning to high-five a still-smiling Pepper. 

"What if I promise never to prank you again?" Peter tries to bargain, holding the bib away from him like it was toxic. 

"Not going to cut it."

Peter and Tony stared at each other; each daring the other one to back down and admit defeat. But, in typical dorky fashion, Peter loses first because that's just who he is when it comes to Tony Stark.

"Do I really have to?" Peter whines.

"Yes. Absolutely. Nothing pairs better with pasta then pre-teen embarrassment." 

"Will you give me my fork back, Mr. Stark?"

"Yes." Tony agrees, watching gleefully as Peter ties the bib around his neck. 

Tony thinks that the bib looks great; stunning he would even go so far to say. Peter -completely obviously- does not feel the same way, and flushes bright red for the entire dinner. It's an uncomfortable exchange the teenager is so not willing to repeat. 

So, in the end, Peter repeats the same realization that he is a dork; with a bib or without one. But one thing that he does newly learn about himself is that he is also an idiot: because who else, other than a moronic fool would ever decide to prank Tony Stark. Who else, other than Peter-Idiot-Parker would subject themselves to this kind of torture?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this was actually rlly fun to write!! endgame still killed me but this fic is bringing me back bitcH


	3. Binders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is very excited to drop Peter off at school. Peter would rather swallow glass and gurgle with rubbing alcohol.

Peter woke up for school that morning feeling pretty good, all things considered. 

Well, yes, maybe he hadn't yet altogether recovered from what Peter is now calling The Bib Incident, and yes maybe it was still an ungodly hour to be awake at, but, on the bright side, Peter's usually unruly hair was laying flat this morning and he actually found matching socks. It was shaping up to be a pretty good morning by Parker standards so Peter walked into the tower's kitchen with an easy smile on his face. 

"Good morning, Underoos! Beautiful weather we're having isn't it?" Tony says, glancing out the windows at the completely pitch-black early morning sky. He sips his coffee at the kitchen table, leaning back into his chair with a playful smile. "It would be a total shame if something embarrassing happened today, wouldn't it?"

"Mr. Stark, it is too early for this." Peter groans, walking over to the table and taking a seat next to his mentor. Peter yawns loudly, rubbing vigorously at the sleep in his eyes with closed fists.

"Stop that, you're gonna give yourself pink-eye." Tony says, grabbing Peter's hands away from his face and laying them flat on the table.

"I've got spider-powers remember? I don't even think I can get sick, let alone get pink-eye." Peter explains, leaning in towards Tony and grabbing the toast off of his mentor's plate. "Good toast, by the way." Peter quips through a mouthful of bread.

"Why thank you, you little ingrate. I was really looking forward to actually eating it." Tony remarks dryly. 

"That's really unfortunate, Mr. Stark. Especially considering it's mine now." 

"This," Tony gestures to the half-eaten toast Peter is raising up to his mouth. "Is really not helping your case here, Spider-Baby."

"No, I'm pretty sure I'll be perfectly fine actually." Peter leans back in his chair, munching on the toast with an over-confident smirk on his face. It's a smirk that is a near replica of the one Tony usually sports. "I mean, you're a celebrity Mr. Stark, it's not going to be embarrassing if you tell me you love me in front of the whole school. In fact, you'll probably just be helping my reputation, don't you think?" 

"Wow, you're a real smart guy there Pete. Probably the smartest I've ever known."

"I know. I learned from the best." Peter shoots his mentor a look, watching as Tony's eyes soften in that way Peter so often likes to take advantage of. " _Dr. Strange taught me everything I know._ " 

"Underoos!" Tony heaves a breath, clasping at his chest dramatically in a way that makes Peter smile. "That comment..ouch kiddo. I think I really am wounded. I can't believe you said that. Just for that, I'm going to get you back twice as hard now. Consider yourself warned."

"Do whatever you want Mr. Stark. I'm not too worried. Anything you shout at me is still going to be shouted by _Tony Stark the Celebrity_."

"Yeah, yeah, we'll see how confident you are in about an hour, hotshot." Tony mutters, grabbing the plate and his coffee cup from the table. He places the dishes in the sink, turning back around to face Peter still at the table.

"Mr. Stark, class does start in like an hour, but you still have to drop me off in like 10 minutes. You know that right?"

"Yep." Tony simply says, smiling smugly. "Now, go grab something else to eat, I'm not going to send your spidey-metabolism off to school with only a single slice of stolen bread." 

Peter walks to the pantry, digging into a familiar cardboard box in the back corner of the third shelf. 

"God, how many times do I have to tell you that a granola bar is not breakfast?" Tony huffs, walking over to Peter and drawing the teenagers arm back from the box. "You gotta eat something substantial, kiddo. Make yourself eggs or something."

"I'll be fine, Mr. Stark. Besides, I don't really have time to make anything; I still have to go back to my room and pack my bag u-"

"I'll do it!" Tony answers much too quickly. "I got it."

"O-okay?" Peter stammers, caught off by Tony's enthusiastic nature of his unusual willingness to be helpful.

"Alright then. It's settled." Tony claps his hands, quickly turning to exit the kitchen.

The man is halfway down the hallway, moving at _my-ass-is-on-fire_ speed, before Peter can really process what just happened. 

Tony Stark, at the best of times, is efficient. He'll get done whatever needs to get done, and most times it's to the very best of his ability. But all that being said, Tony is not usually very helpful when it comes to menial tasks. The man is very busy, often doing more in a day then most men could hope to in a life-time, so Peter doesn't sweat it when Tony brushes off most domestic tasks in that signature I'm-Iron-Man-you-can't-make-me way of his. But Tony taking him to school, and then volunteering to participate such a humdrum task as packing up Peter's bag for him? 

Peter is a dork, but he's not an idiot. Something is very clearly wrong with Tony this morning; something Peter already knew would probably end up biting him in the ass. 

Peter merely shrugs off the realization, still confident in his early reasoning about Tony celebrity status. Then, in usual polite-and-obedient Peter Parker fashion, the boy does exactly what his mentor had suggested, smiling as he flips a perfectly cooked egg onto a bagel. The breakfast is certainly more substantial that the granola bar he was originally planning to eat, -not that he'd ever tell Tony that- but it begins to feel like it might not have been worth the trouble as Tony strides back into the kitchen. The older man is holding Peter's bag by it's strap, shoving it towards Peter with a manic smile on his face. 

"W-what'd you do to my bag, Mr. Stark?"

"Absolutely nothing my dear, spider-child." Tony says reassuringly, grabbing the zipper and opening the bag. "See, look on the inside, it's all there." 

"I guess..." Peter examines the inside of the bag, nodding as he finds all of his binders in their correct place. "Did you grab my physics book off the desk?"

"Does Spider-Man wear a onesie?"

"Not necessary." Peter remarks dryly, shouldering his backpack with one hand and grabbing his breakfast with the other. 

"C'mon, that was my best work!" Tony whines, pressing the button as they step into the tower's elevator.

"Your best work is making fun of a child?"

"So you admit you're a child?"

"God, you're the worst, Mr. Stark." Peter cries, finishing his breakfast sandwich and flicking the excess crumbs at his mentor.

Tony flinches as the crumbs him him square in the face and settle over the elevator floor in an egg-and-bagel dust."God, look what you did Pete. There's crumbs all over the floor! Pepper's gonna kill you for that one." Tony warns as the elevator flings open and the pair are met with the sight of Tony's many cars. 

"She's not gonna kill me, she's gonna kill you." Peter's voice is smug, drinking in the sight of Tony's paled face. "God, are you scared of your own fiancé?"

"Oh, I'm absolutely terrified." Tony clarifies. He then pulls a set of keys out of his pocket, and him and Peter climb into a black audi. "Pepper capable of killing me 18 different ways and covering it up before SI's stocks can even drop."

"And you still want to marry her?"

"More than anything, Petey." Tony sighs, starting the car and pulling out of the garage. The older man lets the moment hang for a seconds before drawing his guard back up and breaking the sentimentality with a joke. "Well, more than anything except for brutally embarrassing you, because I want that a lot too." 

"I know I already said this Mr. Stark, but you're the worst. Keep this up and you won't be my favorite avenger anymore." 

"I'm not worried. None of those bumbling idiots could ever replace me."

"I don't know Mr. Stark, I'm a real fan of that Ant-Man guy."

" _Scott?_ You're going to replace me with Scott Lang? He's a criminal! Isn't your whole thing about catching criminals?" Tony scoffs, looking much too offended at Peter's throw-away comment. He dramatically jerks the wheel of the car, faking actual irritation, and nearly sends his protege through the windshield.

"It doesn't matter; he's is just so cool that I'm legally obligated to abandon my spider-morals." Peter justifies, nodding with faux sincerity. "And, Mr. Lang bought me pizza one time so I'm pretty sure that makes him a god."

"I bought you pizza 3 times _last week_!"

"Yes, but then you also ruined my suit and made me wear a hand-made bib at dinner last nigh-"

" _You_ started this, Underoos! You hung yourself on my ceiling, damn near giving me a heart-attack in my own hallw-"

"Now, now, Mr. Stark, the specifics are not important here." Peter placates, smiling as he sees Midtown coming into view. "What is important is that we figure out what you're going to yell out the sun-roof at me; because while 'I love you' would be good PR for both of us, I still think we need to think bigger."

"How about 'Peter Parker Pees His Pants'?"

"That's just lame. You're a genius, you can do better." 

Tony smiles suddenly, all bright teeth and sparkling eyes. "Nope, Pete, you know what? I think I'm over it. It's time for me to be the bigger man here. I'm not going to yell anything."

"What?"

"I'll keep quiet. It'll be just like you wanted; except I definitely look better now than any way you had imagined me."

"I'm not going to lie Mr. Stark, I thought you lost your mind for a moment there;" Peter looks at Tony from the passenger seat, his eyes telling the story of a teenager absolutely over his hero-worship phase. "But it's nice to see your ego is still intact."

"Intact and firing on all cylinders, baby." Tony says, slipping on a pair of blue-tinted sun glasses.

Tony pulls up outside the main entrance of Midtown, subtly leaning back in his seat and pulling his glasses further down on his face. It's a vital part of the usual routine whenever the man dropped his protege off. Tony didn't want a traffic jam born of out celebrity status to clog Midtown's front doors. 

"Alright. Hop on out, kid. It's Einstein-Time for Spider-babies."

"That's it? Nothing?"

"Nope, nothing. Now get to it, Aunt Hottie and Pepper will kill me if you're late." Tony says, leaning over the center console to wrap Peter in a quick hug. "By the way, this one is an actual hug."

"Do we have to talk about that?" 

"Absolutely; especially because it's still funny." Tony breaks the hug, shoving Peter gently out the door and handing him his backpack. "Have a good day at genius school, nerd."

"Mr. Stark, you were already at MIT by my age!"

"Doesn't count because I looked better doing it." Tony quips, shutting the car door on Peter before he can respond. 

Peter stands on the curb, shouldering his backpack and resisting the urge to throw something at Tony's car. The man is just so conceited sometimes! 

But it could be worse, the teenager realizes; Tony could've actually made good on his threat and did the whole embarrassing parent routine -not that Tony is his parent or anything because Mr. Stark would never think of him like that even though Peter kind of thinks of him like that but not really because that's crazy and weird and Peter's being _weird_ and Tony is Iron-Man and Iron-Man doesn't waste time on a random Queens ki-

And suddenly Peter is standing around awkwardly, blushing a bright red as his thoughts trip over themselves in the way his feet usually do. The boy watches the students filing into Midtown's doors around him and nearly flushes brighter as he realizes some of them had seen the entirety of his little mental freak-out. 

Turns out, Peter Parker doesn't need Tony Stark to embarrass him; he can do it all by himself. 

"Peter!" Ned calls, his voice breaking Peter's thoughts and saving him from himself. Ned walks up to the boy, providing social security in the way only Ned Leeds can. "Was that Tony Stark? _Again?_ "

"Yeah?"

"Dude, that's like the third time he's dropped you off in two weeks! You're so lucky! You get to hang out with Iron-Man like every single day!" Ned gushes, nearly bouncing with excitement as the boys make their way to their lockers. 

"It's just Mr. Stark, it's not that big a deal."

"It kinda is. I mean, does Iron-Man drop anyone else off at school?" Ned asks, eyebrows raised. 

"Well, n-no, bu-"

"So it's a pretty big deal, man!" 

"It's not that deep, Ned." Peter sighs as he reaches into his locker for a textbook. He then shuts the locker, walking towards his first period class with Ned in tow. "Mr. Stark only dropped me off because he's trying to get me back for a stupid prank I pulle-"

" _You pranked Tony Stark?!_ " 

"Yes." Peter says as they arrive to their first period class and take a seat at their usual desks. "But now I'm really regretting it because Mr. Stark is so much better at revenge than I thought he would be and he took it like really seriously," Peter reaches into his bag blindly, grabbing his binder and keeping eye-contact with his friend. "And he's doing all this stupid over-the-top ridiculous stuff to get back at me and I'm kinda tired of it because it was just a stupid prank and Mr. Stark is a grown ass man and he shou-"

" _Dude._ "

"What?" Peter asks upon seeing his friend's stricken expression. "Ned. _What?_ " 

"Your binder dude, _oh my god_." Ned heaves, pointing at the binder in Peter's hands before promptly breaking down into hysterical laughter. 

Peter Parker knows dread; he knows it as intimately as the back of his hand and as closely as the feeling of swinging through the air as Spider-Man. That's why, as Peter feels the dread settle in his stomach and threaten to crawl up his throat, he can barely force himself to look at the binder. Peter already knows it has something to do with Tony, because of _course_ it has something to do with Tony, and in that case then Peter is doomed; because Stark revenge was a terrible poison that Peter could never digest without nearly dying of embarrassment. 

The binder in question, normally an unoffensive baby blue, is now littered in cut-out pictures of Tony Stark. There's shots of him in fancy suits at exotic expos, candids of him in civilian clothes, and perfectly posed photos of him and Pepper at press conferences. The pictures are bad enough as is, but what really sells it, what really acts as the final nail in Peter Parker's coffin, is the giant cut-out words pasted over all the photos in bold. 

_Tony Stark is the best Avenger._

_I heart Tony Stark._

And Tony's personal favorite one, his absolute _pièce-de-résistance_ , is a shot of Peter holding up a photoshopped sign. 

The sign says _#1 Stark Intern_ and Peter has never wanted to fling himself into the sun so intensely in his life. 

"Nice binder, Penis!" Flash calls, smirking evilly from the other side of the room. 

Peter flips the binder over, seeing the back absolutely _plastered_ in shots of the different Iron Man suits. 

This is terrible. Probably the worst thing Peter could imagine for himself. It's a thousand times worse then anything Tony could have shouted through the sun-roof of his stupidly expensive car. Everybody already thinks he's a nerd lying about a fake Stark internship, but now they're also gonna think he's a superhero obsessed child! 

Peter rushes to pull out the rest of his binders, physically paling as he finds that every subject folder has a cover either entirely dedicated to pictures of Tony's idiot face or entirely dedicated to proclamations of Peter's love for Iron-Man. 

If Peter could kill Tony, could just snuff him out without it being a loss for the rest of the world, the man would already be dead 10 times over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh i don't even know what this is, i just hope you enjoy it


	4. Nicknames and Betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karen says something that really upsets Spider-Man, and Peter nearly ends up a smear on Stark Tower's ridiculously big windows. Oh. And Tony has the time of his life. As per usual.

"Karen, anything good on your radar?" Peter asks, shifting his mask on his face with an fidgeting hand. He swings his feet over the ledge of the tall building, feeling a strong gust of wind and taking a deep breath in.

"Nothing to report, Petey-Pie."

"Karen!" Peter physically recoils, nearly throwing himself off the building in his shock. "My name is Peter! You know this!"

"No. My records show that you are Petey-Pie, or Spider-baby. Whichever you prefer." Karen corrects, and Peter can hear the soft ticking of the AI no doubt scanning through her files. "I can cross-reference with FRIDAY if you'd like?"

"Ugh, no. No thank you. Not necessary." Peter groans, already knowing that Tony had definitely also altered FRIDAY's files. "Just, call me Peter okay?"

"I cannot; current protocol dictates that I am to call you only by the names within your files. The protocol expires in 14 days, so until then it's either Petey-Pie or Spider-baby."

" _Two weeks?_ " Peter nearly screeches, his voice swallowed up by the wind roaring at his high altitude. "No. No. Definitely not. Override, Karen. I won't choose. My name is Peter. Call me Peter."

"You do not have the authority to override the current protocol. Might I suggest talking to Mr. Stark about resolving this issue?"

"No you may _not_ , and no I will not." Peter huffs childishly.

Peter wanted to argue with the AI. He wanted to throw his hands up into a raging fit and demand that she call him by anything other than those infernal nicknames.

It wasn't fair! Peter had already payed the price for the stupid spider prank! Between the embroidery, the bib, and the binders, the teenager had learned his lesson about pranking his mentor; at this point Tony's meddling with Karen was just overkill and Peter had decided that he'd had enough.

"What time is it, Karen?" Peter asks, before throwing his body over the ledge and into a 40 story free-fall. The teenager flings a web, catching another building and propelling himself upward.

"11:30 PM. 30 minutes until curfew."

"Could you scan one more time?"

"Yes." A few moments pass as Peter continues swinging his way towards the giant tower looming in the distance. "Still nothing to report." The AI says from within his mask.

"Then we'll cut it short. Quickest route back to the tower?"

"Already calculated. ETA 10 minutes, Petey-Pie."

Que another frustrated groan from Peter that nearly sends him off his carefully perfected web-slinging rhythm.

Stark Tower is standing sturdy and obnoxiously flashy in the distance -much like Tony Stark himself in Peter's opinion- and with that thought, the boy begins flinging his webs with barely restrained fury. With every pull of his wrist and resounding catapult, Peter can see Tony's stupid smirking face. It's enough to kick his velocity into supersonic levels and all Peter wants is to finally put an end to his mentor's revenge; because if you asked Peter, Tony's idiotic revenge is hitting unnecessary heights, and Karen calling him Petey-Pie was just the perfect straw to break the spider's back evidently.

Peter's childish anger blinds him in a way even his spidey-senses can't save him from, and the boy nearly ends up a teenaged-sized smear on the window as he nears the tower. Luckily, FRIDAY is nothing if not a savior, and so Peter goes flying through a window that opens just in the nick of time. The boy tumbles, rolling like a wayward tire, and skids to a stop face-first right in front of the living room couch. Left a pile of red-and-blue clad limbs and embarrassed muttering on the tower floor, Spider-Man takes off his mask.

"10! Perfect 10! Impeccable form, and unbelievable grace; just an all-around 10." Tony laughs, nudging Peter's head lightly with a socked foot. The man stands up from where he's seated on the couch, leaning down and offering the boy a hand. "Need help up, Pete?"

Peter physically deflates. He also lets out a scream into the carpet that lasts for no less than 15 seconds. "No, I think I'm good here. If it's all the same to you Mr. Stark, I think I'll just lay here until I die."

"Don't be dramatic, bug boy. I was the only one who saw."

"Yep. And somehow that doesn't make it any better for me and now I want to die even more." Peter turns his head, pressing his ear into the carpet and making eye-contact with his mentor stood above him. The unrestrained mirth on Tony's face makes Peter blush with further embarrassment.

"Oh, c'mon it's not that bad. I'll only laugh at you until I die."

"Exactly."

"Why were you so distracted anyway? Did something happen? Are you hurt?" Tony's face scrunches up into unmistakeable paternal worry.

"Physically? No." Peter huffs, rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling. "Mentally? My pride's been killed off and my self-worth just got kidnapped for the foreseeable future."

"Colorful report. I'll have FRIDAY jot that down." Tony snorts, nudging Peter's side with his foot until the boy squirms. "Now, c'mon, get up. I'm not gonna let you sleep on the floor in your onesie."

"I'm wearing the suit _you_ made me!" Peter practically screams, his face reddening as he sits up.

"I know, but it's still fun to see your little spider face get all red!"

"Mr. Stark, this is type of behavior is exactly why Pepper left for a 'business trip'." Peter remarks, as he finally gets up and takes a seat on the couch.

"Rude." Tony follows his protege to the couch, throwing a careless arm over the boy's shoulders. "She left for perfectly legitimate business reasons; not because she was over-whelmed by my dazzling personality."

"Mr. Stark. I would literally throw you into the sun given half the chance."

"With the moves you just showed earlier? The whole flying-through-my-windows-and-splattering-on-the-floor-like-roadkill thing? Highly unlikely you'd get very far, Spider-baby." Tony shifts, ruffling Peter's hair with a fond smile. "So, what type of high-profile crime did you stop today? Any old ladies get their purses stolen?"

"Don't even bother asking. I already know that you watched every second of my patrol through the Child-Predator monit-"

" _Baby-monitor_." Tony corrects with a heatless glare.

"As I said, the Child-Predator monitor." Peter continues without a hitch. "I know you watched all of it; so you already know nothing happened tonight."

"So is that why you came back early, my arachnid protege?" Tony instead asks, refusing to validate Peter's claim. "Or did you just miss me?"

"No, actually. I came back because you hacked my AI, Mr. Stark!"

"She's my AI, Pete. I created her."

"Well, I gave her a name so it's pretty much like I adopted her and there's really something to be said about other adults bad-mouthing children's parents to them. I mean really, Mr. Stark? You made her call me Petey-Pie? And then tried to make me choose between that or Spider-baby? That's like poisoning my child against me and why would you even do tha-"

Tony interrupts Peter, a hand over the boy's mouth and fondness in his smile. "Ok, let's just hold it on the motor-mouth for a second there, and get a few things straight. One: Karen is my creation; therefore I can program her anyway I want. Two: I think giving you a choice between the nicknames was very kind of me. And, three: you think you adopted Karen? No. No you didn't. That AI adopted you. Karen saves your spidery-ass from near death every second you're in that suit. I'm pretty sure she'd agree when I say that you're her child, ki-"

"Did you just _lick_ my hand?" Tony yells with extreme disgust, drawing his hand back like it burned and rubbing the left-over saliva down the side of Peter's face. The boy only laughs, flopping his head down on his mentor's shoulder. "Gross Pete! You're all sweaty. Get your stupid spider head off me!"

"No, I'm sorry, Mr. Stark, but you deserve this!" Peter's laugh evolves into a cackle as he continues digging his head into Tony's shoulder.

Tony is squirming on the couch, but barely trying to push the boy off of him. The man appreciates the closeness on a normal day, but good _god_ not all the _sweat_.

"Mr. Stark, I think we need to call a truce." Peter says, finally relenting and lifting his head off his mentor's shoulder.

"Funny; that's exactly what the defeated say when they know they've lost the war."

"No," Peter rolls his eyes, throwing himself back onto the couch as Tony throws an arm across the back. "I'm saying that we should call a true because your revenge or whatever is stupid and I'm over it. I mean, c'mon, it was just one prank!"

"Just one prank?" Tony sputters, turning to look at Peter like the boy grew an extra head. "Do we need to back up to the part where I had a _heart attack_ , or maybe even take it back a little further to the more important part where you dragged my innocent fiancé into your sick little spider web?"

"Oh. Ok. So that's what you're going with. You're defending Pepper's honor? That's what this is, Mr. Stark?"

"Of course, Spiderling."

"So, this is about Pepper." Peter recounts, drawing his eyebrows up in mock-confusion. "So it's totally not about your ego being bruised."

"Can't bruise what's impenetrable."

"Ok." Peter nods in a way that relays exactly how unconvinced he is. "But either way, this has got to stop. I mean you pulled Karen into this? She's innocent!"

"I'll have you know that she was perfectly willing, kid. I merely suggested it to her and she ran with it. It's almost like a genius designed her or something."

The sound of Tony stroking his own ego is as familiar as it is annoying and Peter only huffs as a result. "You're lying. Karen would never do that to me; you messed with her code or something."

"I promise I didn't." Tony says, catching Peter's eyes and seeing the unimpressed look. "What, don't believe me, bug boy? Ask her yourself!"

Peter merely shrugs, flinging his arm up to his face and slipping his mask back on. Peter's conversation is one-sided and all Tony can hear is the chirpy greeting the boy awards his AI, and the question he then poses soon after. There's a few seconds, and then Peter lets out a pained whine before grabbing his mask off his face and holding it in his hands. The boy's eyes speak of betrayal and Tony practically basks in the sight.

"My AI. My best friend. My partner in crim- well, stopping crime but that's not the point. She betrayed me, Mr. Stark!" Peter wails. "How am I ever going to recover from this?"

"I tried telling you Petey. It was my idea but she went along with it. You should really consider the type of company your keeping."

"Yes. Clearly." Peter glares at his mentor. "Alright. Now that you've had your middle-aged fun or whatever, and you've picked on all the defenseless children you have access to, can we call a truce?" The boy asks, looking up at his mentor and employing signature Parker-Puppy-Dog-Eyes.

"Tempting; but I don't know Pete. I've got something really good planned for tomorrow night." Tony's smirk makes Peter's blood run cold, familiar dread seeping into the boy's spine. "I'm talking like really good stuff kiddo. I pulled a few strings, got a little bit of outside help, and I think you'll be really pleased with the outcome."

"Is it too late to rewind and actually throw myself into the window?"

"Absolutely."


End file.
